Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
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He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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