I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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