i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
