Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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