I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
