If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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