I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
