this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dear god my vagina.
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