I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
