My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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