Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
where am i from again
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
