dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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