There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
