u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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