theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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