Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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