Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
