Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
