If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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