Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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