definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
