OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other