My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sobbing to NWA