Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.