I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.