bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize