did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
