So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
