so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
the day after is always just damage control
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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