walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
