I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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