have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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