Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
