I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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