My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You were trust falling into bushes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
