He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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