Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
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yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.