tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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