I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
