Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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