i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
