I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.