I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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