Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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