Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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