mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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