I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
