Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
