she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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