Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
