all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
