I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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