Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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