Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
