He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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