I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
