ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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