he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
