Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
