P.S. I can't hear my feet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
