I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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