Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
